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Monday, June 24, 2013

Tired and Uninteresting

I probably shouldn't be writing this blog post.

Right this moment I am blisteringly mad and BITTER.
It's 6:11 AM and my alarm wasn't set to go off for another hour.
Instead, I've been up since EXACTLY 5:15 AM, when I was scared awake.

Yes, I was scared awake by a sudden and loud noise from directly behind me,
as my husband BLEW HIS FREAKING NOSE in the bed.

I practically did the newborn startle reflex in the adult version
as my body jumped, my eyes flew open and my brain was screaming

Meanwhile, he had rolled over, made a couple of lip smacking sounds, and fallen back asleep,
breathing much more clearly, no doubt.

I lay there for another hour as my heart rate slowed and tried to will myself back to sleep
but it wasn't going to happen.

Man, there needs to be a marriage manual that tells you about stuff like this cause this shit is REAL.

One of my children unwittingly and unintentionally has thrown me into an existential crisis.

As of yesterday afternoon, I was skipping blissfully along in my life.
Things were going well and there's a lot of upcoming drama and adjustment to be made by all of us, as all the children shift into a "New World Order" in the Fall- one to college, one to start high school, one to start middle school.

I was having a conversation about something or another with said child and he/she said (completely without malice or intention) "Yes, but your life isn't interesting."
"What?" I said, somewhat dumbly.
"You just take care of us kids."

There you have it.

That *is* pretty much all I do, isn't it?

Now, I don't need anyone to tell me that parenting is hard work, honest work and sacred work.
I know full well that my being here and putting the great effort into guiding these children has been instrumental to their well being and the being of this family.
That's not the issue and is also not something that the child can understand until he/she is a parent one day themselves.

And no doubt, there is plenty of uninteresting and drudgery when it comes to raising children and making a family work. There's endless meals, endless laundry, all kinds of "background operations" to keep the cogs turning.

But the essential issue remains- is my personal life, outside of my family, interesting?

Honestly, the answer is probably no.

And I have no idea how I feel about that.


msimms10 said...

Hopefully, it's interesting TO YOU. It doesn't have to be interesting to other people, especially small people. It definitely doesn't have to be newsworthy to be interesting.

MountainWhisperPiano said...

I think the question is should we let the thoughts of a chlld who has not yet been a parent influence how we think of ourselves? I know I have fallen into the same trap with my own child, and have become similarly very cranky and engaged in self-flagellation. How can they possibly know at their age the incredibly interesting life a Mom has just being a Mom. i think the child will understand when that child is a parent, but maybe not until then. From my own perspective, the 40s were an amazing time of change for me as a woman and parent, and many new thoughts and feelings came my way. I did a lot of reclaiming my power, and not apologizing for my choices in life. There came a time in my life, though, that reaching out beyond was the right thing to do, but that time became very clear when I was ready.

Natalie said...

Is it bad that I just lol'd? Once when one of the boys was home sick, I had to run a bunch of errands. He, whichever one he was, was too young to be left home alone, so I dragged him around all over town -- bank, post office, grocery store, etc. At the end of it all, he groused about it. "It's so boring!" he complained. Yes, I agreed, welcome to my life! Let's join forces :)

Suzette Santori said...

Hmm, that's funny, because I thought just the opposite of my homemaking life, in fact, a few years ago I wrote a letter to a college admissions office (they requested one!) literally entitled: "Life with Jeanette is never boring." That, for me, just sums it up. I know you could say the same about Trey:)
However, there is a strange thread running through this conversation as if every other adult's life IS interesting. And it isn't...not to a child. No adult life (okay, I mean not a daredevil or celebrity or circus acrobat) would be interesting. Honestly, you think a child would say going to an office everyday was interesting? I think not. Of course, many adults wouldn't think someone else's job was interesting either. So that's back to the point others have made: what is interesting to one person (e.g., I write reports for a living) is boring--nay, repulsive--to another.
Finally, one could even wonder, what the heck the kid even meant by interesting. Probably doesn't even mean what we think. It may be a synonym for "well-paid" for example, in which case, the child is RIGHT.

Suzette Santori said...

shoot. it cut off my "grin" comment at the end. so much for cuteness on my part. :(

Gina said...

It's very likely that the kid would be complaining that you aren't doing enough for them if you had an interesting life... but what they think is far less important than what you feel. If you are satisfied with your life then it is interesting enough! There will be plenty of time to do interesting things after they are grown.

HynesMom said...

I remember when a friend told a story about how her brother said to her mother: "Mom, were you ever pretty." I think all kids have said something like this to their parents. There's even a John Mayer song that hints at a comment like that (of course, I can't think of it). When you are young, your parents' lives look sooooo boring. But kids don't have bills and health concern, etc. But we all also have to remember to live our lives, live our dreams.