Monday, June 24, 2013
Tired and Uninteresting
I probably shouldn't be writing this blog post.
Right this moment I am blisteringly mad and BITTER.
It's 6:11 AM and my alarm wasn't set to go off for another hour.
Instead, I've been up since EXACTLY 5:15 AM, when I was scared awake.
Yes, I was scared awake by a sudden and loud noise from directly behind me,
as my husband BLEW HIS FREAKING NOSE in the bed.
I practically did the newborn startle reflex in the adult version
as my body jumped, my eyes flew open and my brain was screaming
ALERT ALERT WHAT THE $*@ WAS THAT?
Meanwhile, he had rolled over, made a couple of lip smacking sounds, and fallen back asleep,
breathing much more clearly, no doubt.
I lay there for another hour as my heart rate slowed and tried to will myself back to sleep
but it wasn't going to happen.
Man, there needs to be a marriage manual that tells you about stuff like this cause this shit is REAL.
One of my children unwittingly and unintentionally has thrown me into an existential crisis.
As of yesterday afternoon, I was skipping blissfully along in my life.
Things were going well and there's a lot of upcoming drama and adjustment to be made by all of us, as all the children shift into a "New World Order" in the Fall- one to college, one to start high school, one to start middle school.
I was having a conversation about something or another with said child and he/she said (completely without malice or intention) "Yes, but your life isn't interesting."
"What?" I said, somewhat dumbly.
"You just take care of us kids."
There you have it.
That *is* pretty much all I do, isn't it?
Now, I don't need anyone to tell me that parenting is hard work, honest work and sacred work.
I know full well that my being here and putting the great effort into guiding these children has been instrumental to their well being and the being of this family.
That's not the issue and is also not something that the child can understand until he/she is a parent one day themselves.
And no doubt, there is plenty of uninteresting and drudgery when it comes to raising children and making a family work. There's endless meals, endless laundry, all kinds of "background operations" to keep the cogs turning.
But the essential issue remains- is my personal life, outside of my family, interesting?
Honestly, the answer is probably no.
And I have no idea how I feel about that.