Top Four Moving Violations

We all have pet peeves.

Things that drive us stark, raving
out- of- our- minds mad.

I have found lately that I have a latent
form of road rage.

Other drivers are stupid asses
and I am not.

Simple.

So here, in no particular order,
are my top four most annoying moving violations:

1) People who tailgate.

I am endlessly fascinated
by the fact that people believe
they can force me to go faster
by riding on the tail of my
freaking minivan.

Please.

Instead of going faster,
you can bet that I am going
to remove my foot from the gas,
watch you go apoplectic
in my rearview mirror
and right around the time
you decide to swerve around me,
I'll speed up.

Just a bit.

2) People who don't stop at stop signs.

Now, I know that most of us,
me included,
don't completely and totally
stop all four wheels at a stop sign
every time.

I know I don't.

I'm instead
referring to the dumbasses
who seem to believe
that because they were
AT ONE TIME
stopped behind a car
that stopped at a stopsign
five cars up,
that counted for them too.

Uh, uh.
It didn't.

So stop your damn car.

3) People who believe they are God's Gift.

We are all busy and hectic these days.
Time is important to all of us.
But there seems to always be those
who think that THEIR time
is more valuable than everyone else's.

You can see their faces all squinched up at red lights.
They are often talking on their cellphone,
reading the paper and applying mascara
all at the same time.

Sometimes they are holding a cellphone in one hand
a venti Starbucks in their other hand
and are driving with their knees.

For those people,
there better be wireless access in heaven
or they'll think they're in hell.

4) Pedestrians with a Death Wish or a Lawsuit

This is the one that does in fact
truly annoy me the most of all-

Stupid Pedestrians Who Are Looking To Get Hit.

You know who you are.

These lovely people
take great pleasure in walking
directly behind cars that are backing out
of parking spaces.

Is there some part of their brain
that is missing?

The car is bigger than you, people.
The car will win.

Every.
Time.

Yes, drivers are supposed to look for pedestrians.
And most of us do.
We look very carefully, several times,
before we back out.

But at some point,
we have to look forward
to make sure we are clearing the cars
on either side of us.

That is invariably when Idiot Pedestrian
stupidly walks directly behind your car
so that when you look in your rearview mirror
you gasp,
nearly wet your pants
and then fume while they look at you
like it is your fault
that you almost ran them down.

What is the one thing that
all of these have in common?

People being too rushed
and too self centered.

Slow down, people.

Better to arrive at your destination late
than get there in an early grave!