if you were NOT like me,
this is what you would not do.
You wouldn't assign your two boys the Sunday chore of emptying all the trash cans
into a trash bag,
putting it into the big can and wheeling it to curb.
You wouldn't realize they hadn't done it until 8 PM,
when it is dark outside.
You wouldn't tell them you don't care,
they have to do it anyway.
You wouldn't take the dog out the back door,
hear their voices laughing and playing,
over at the other side of the house.
You wouldn't get an evil gleam in your eye,
snicker quietly to yourself
loudly, like a ghost.
You wouldn't listen to see if you got a reaction.
You wouldn't notice that, after a brief silence,
you could hear their voices again.
You wouldn't decide that you hadn't scared them
and you wouldn't decide to move closer,
in the dark,
and do it again.
You wouldn't creep along the bushes
to near the front of the house
this time even louder.
You would NOT, as you hear your kids begin to race toward the front door,
jump out at them and yell AAAAAGH!
Because that would be JUST WRONG.
You would know that.
Hence, you would not be consumed in guilt and shame
when your older child throws himself at the front door,
ricochets off it because it is closed,
and hunkers down in a little ball, sobbing in fear,
with his hands over his head.
You would not be comforting two screaming, crying boys
who apparently just had the living sh&t scared out of them
by their mother,
who sincerely thought they would know it was me and get the joke
but was instead apparently incredibly, totally, undeniably wrong.
It's a good thing you wouldn't do that.
I'm just sayin'.