Raw

My daughter made me really mad tonight.

This is not the easiest thing
to do.

I get irritated,
annoyed etc
pretty easily.
I can have a short fuse on some days, for sure.

But just as quickly,
it is gone,
no remnants, no hard feelings.

Clean slate.

But getting really angry,
where I have to step away
for a while before I know
I will vomit a whole litany
of things I know I will regret...

not often.

Tonight, she did it.

We had my best friend over tonight
with her two boys for dinner
and to swim.

The kids were eating outside
and I went out to take some pickles to them.

My friend's son (I've known him since he was three)
said:
"Do you love Kate?"

I was like 'What?"
It was such a preposterous yet obvious question
that I felt surely I had misunderstood.

"Do you love Kate?" he asked again.

"Of course!" I answered, genuinely puzzled.

"Well, she feels like you blame her for everything" he said.

You have to know this kid.
Not a mean bone in his entire skinny little body.
But an honest one, for sure.

I was speechless.

I give so much to my daughter.

I give her my time,
my attention,
things both material and not.

I try to be understanding
of her growing hormone swings,
the rocky road of middle school friendships,
the changing body,
the moods that change
literally before you know what hit you.

But tonight,

tonight I felt nothing
but betrayed
and used...

Sold out in a bid for
sympathy
in a dramatic play.

Mother as protagonist.

The most I could do
was tell her that I am angry
and hurt
and that I wasn't able to say
anything more about it.

This was not an easy to thing to blog about.

I feel raw.

However, if this is to be an honest account
for me to look back on
and remember our lives,

here it is.